Recipe for a Hippopotamus Sandwich

vanrijswijk:

i

(Source: you-me-you-her)

long time no see.

this feeling usually passes rather quickly.

 You should not let a sorceress live.  -Exodus 22:17

If a man lies with a male as with a women, both of them shall be put to death for their abominable deed; they have forfeited their lives. -Leviticus 20:13

If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father.  Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her. -Deuteronomy 22:28-29

A man or a woman who acts as a medium or fortuneteller shall be put to death by stoning; they have no one but themselves to blame for their death.  -Leviticus 20:27

If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife, both the man and the woman must be put to death.  -Leviticus 20:10

All who curse their father or mother must be put to death.  They are guilty of a capital offense.  -Leviticus 20:9

But if this charge is true (that she isn’t a virgin on her wedding night), and evidence of the girls virginity is not found, they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her fathers house and there her townsman shall stone her to death, because she committed a crime against Israel by her unchasteness in her father’s house.  Thus shall you purge the evil from your midst.  -Deuteronomy  22:20

Cursed be he who does the Lords work remissly, cursed he who holds back his sword from blood.  -Jeremiah 48:10 

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear.  Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ.  -Ephesians 6:5

Put the entire town to the torch as a burnt offering to the LORD your God
Deuteronomy 13

So I just started a new job at a gay restaurant called Randy Bee’s. When I say “gay restaurant” i don’t mean gay as in retarded, i mean gay as in literally run by gays, frequented by gays, and located in the up and coming “gayborhood” of Fort Worth, TX. So far the job has kind of been a bust… I haven’t necessarily been banking at the joint, and the type of people that come in fit into two categories: A.) sassy, impatient drunk gays, or B.) creepy and overly friendly drunk gays. I know the demographic of customers might sound pleasant, but at 3am they can be slightly obnoxious, even though, now that i think of it, 85% of my friends fit into one of these categories… Anywho, my first night at work went decently and the highlight of my night had to have been my encounter with a man named Claire. He is a middle aged, balding, short man who definitely fits into category B. When I saw him walk into the door i thought he seemed normal, quiet, and easy to deal with. He was sat in my section and after meeting him I thought “huh… What’re the odds of having a baby and naming him something queer like Claire, and him actually turning out to be queer.?” I pondered about this for about 3 minutes and 27 seconds when I decided that I should probably take his order. He only wanted a bowl of tomato soup so I immediately knew that I wasn’t going to get a very decent tip from him and that I should give him the least bit of customer service as possible. About fifteen minutes later i brought him his soup and said “enjoy” rather apathetically, and began to walk away when he asked me about the Belegium waffles that we serve. I described the waffles to him and the conversation eventually ventured to the topic of pancakes. Claire loves pancakes. Claire eats pancakes at least 8 times a week. Claire loves to use a touch of olive oil in his pancake recipe. Claire absolutely loves olive oil, but not as much as he looooves pancakes. He went on and on for approximately 20 min about pancakes, and this is no exaggeration. I can’t talk about anything for more then 45 seconds and this man went on for 20 minutes about something as mundane as pancakes. Finally after a good third of an hour he stopped to gasp for breath and I realized that might be my only opportunity to escape. I made my move and blurted, ” Neat. Just pay the cashier when you’re ready” and tried to scurry off when he yelped, “I also have a great protein shake recipe!” There went another 15 to 20 minutes of my life and after he was done spilling about protein shakes he asked me if I’d like to join him for pancakes sometime. Being the lovely and kind person that I am, I responded with a simple “Sure, that sounds good.” He then asked if he could give me his number, which i thought was a good thing because if i was the one that was to do the calling then i would never have to see or speak to Claire again. I typed his digits into my phone and afterwards he said “Okay, call me right now so I have your number!” I didn’t know how to get out of this one so I called him and now he has my number. That was six days ago… He’s called me everyday since then, I’m assuming to invite me over for pancakes and maybe an ol’ fashion raping. I wouldn’t know because I have not answered one of his calls. Even though creepy-Claire made me feel uncomfortable, truth be told, i live for awkward situations like these. They keep me interested in life.